The Great Birthday Bash Luke Hates Lorelai
by Oregano
Summary: Lorelai is scheming for a way to make Luke enjoy his birthday. With the town's help (except that family who lives in Squash) and even Jess as a secret agent, will Lorelai succeed?
1. A Cake, But Not A Chocolate One

**THE GREAT BIRTHDAY BASH (LUKE HATES LORELAI)**   
by Oregano

**INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
The diner has a few customers, but not so much as to be called 'busy.' We see that LORELAI GILMORE is on a barstool, drinking her coffee. Behind the counter, LUKE DANES is wiping it clean.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Hey, Luke?  
  
**LUKE**  
Yeah?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Do you like parties?  
  
**LUKE**  
What?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Parties. You know, where people generally get together and have fun. It usually includes food, music, gifts… naked woman, if you're getting married the next day...  
  
**LUKE**  
No.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Really? Well, do you like being surprised?  
  
**LUKE**  
No. I'm too old for birthday parties, Lorelai.  
  
**LORELAI**  
But it's your birthday! Birthdays are supposed to be fun! Did you not hear me mention the naked ladies?  
  
**LUKE**  
I am spending by birthday up in the apartment with my door locked where nobody can bug me and nobody will ambush me with a gargantuan vanilla cake with stupid little garden sprites and Tinkerbell fairies dancing the Macarena around it.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Sprites and fairies? Really? I was thinking along the lines of gnomes and strippers, but hey, you're the birthday boy.  
  
**LUKE**  
No birthday shindigs, Lorelai.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Alright, alright, I heard you the last time, Peter Pan!

**  
INT. THE INDEPENDENCE INN – DAY**  
SOOKIE ST. JAMES is bent over a pot, cooking. Lorelai enters excitedly. She walks over to Sookie and taps her on the shoulder. Sookie turns around.  
  
**LORELAI**  
I'm throwing a huge birthday bash for Luke and you will help me arrange everything!  
  
**SOOKIE**  
(forgets what she is cooking)  
What? Oh! Right! It's his birthday! Man, how old is Luke? Thrity-eight? Fifty-seven?  
  
**LORELAI**  
You're just throwing random numbers around, aren't you?  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Well, the man's so secret-agent-y! Oh! This is going to be so exciting! We'll need so much planning! Balloons…  
  
**LORELAI**  
…a big cake—he wants garden sprites and Tinkerbell fairies dancing the Macarena around it…  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Okay.  
(beat)  
Oh! Music!  
  
**LORELAI**  
Decorations! _Flashdance_ theme!  
  
**SOOKIE**  
(eyes widen)  
PEOPLE! Who are we inviting?  
  
**LORELAI**  
The whole town!  
(beat)  
Except the really scary family that lives on Squash…  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Yeah. Those guys give me the creeps, too. I don't think they bathe much, either…

  
**INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT**  
Lorelai and her daughter RORY GILMORE are in their pajamas. They are watching a movie and eating popcorn.  
  
**LORELAI**  
So, what do you think?  
  
**RORY**  
I think Luke is going to kill you.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Well, at least he'll have a good time while doing it. So, are you going to help me?  
  
**RORY**  
Are you kidding? Yeah!  
  
**LORELAI**  
Great! I've recruited almost half a dozen people. This is so cool.  
  
**RORY**  
We need someone from the inside, though. Someone who can monitor Luke while go about our plan.  
  
**LORELAI**  
I so know who you're thinking. I don't think he's going to help, though.  
  
**RORY**  
But Jess is perfect!  
  
**LORELAI**  
Gah, then you recruit the little punk.  
  
**RORY**  
I'm on it. First thing tomorrow.

  
**INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
JESS MARIANO is working. His back is to us. He is behind the counter, making coffee. We then see Rory enter. She nonchalantly leans on the counter, and takes a seat.  
  
**RORY**   
Hey, Jess.  
  
Jess turns around and smirks.  
  
**JESS**  
What can I get you?   
  
**RORY**  
Actually, I need a favor.  
  
**JESS**  
Rory Gilmore wants something from me? What could that be? I'm intrigued.   
  
**RORY**  
My mom is throwing a birthday party for Luke and we were wondering if you could help us.  
  
**JESS**  
(suspicious)  
How?  
  
**RORY**  
Well, you could maybe… be our inside guy.  
  
**JESS**  
No.  
  
**RORY**  
What?  
  
**JESS**  
I am not going to follow Luke around like some _emissary_. I do believe I have higher standards than that.  
  
**RORY**  
What if I pay you for your services?  
  
**JESS**  
Huh. You really think I'm that shallow?  
(beat)  
See a movie with me this weekend.  
  
**RORY**  
What?  
(beat)  
Like a date?  
  
**JESS**  
(shrugs)  
Think what you want to think.  
  
Rory hesitates.  
  
**JESS**  
(cont'd)  
But if you have a Dean-thing scheduled… I'm sure you can find a replacement mole.  
  
**RORY**  
Fine. I'll go.  
  
**JESS**  
Great.  
(grins)  
Nice doing business with you. Enjoy your fries.  
  
Rory walks towards the door, troubled.  
  
**JESS**  
See you this weekend!

  
**INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – KITCHEN – NIGHT**  
The kitchen is a mess: the table is full of papers and other clutter. Lorelai is standing by the microwave with a fork in her hand. Rory is by the table, trying to free up some space.   
  
We hear the sound of the microwave heating up their dinner in the background.  
  
**LORELAI**  
You did what?!  
  
**RORY**  
It's just a movie, mom. With my friend.  
  
**LORELAI**  
No, it is a date, with Jess! What about Dean, then? I don't think he'll see a date with Jess quite the same way as, let's say, a movie with Lane…  
  
**RORY**  
It is not a date with Jess! It is a movie with my friend who happens to have been named Jess! I didn't have a choice!  
  
**LORELAI**  
Yes, you did, Rory. You had a choice. This isn't one of those life-and-death situations; you could have said no. And you know what I think?  
  
**RORY**  
What?  
  
**LORELAI**  
I think you want to go out with Jess. Oh, Rory, he will break your heart! Don't do this to yourself; trust me, this isn't worth it. You are going to hurt so many people…  
  
Rory is hurt at what Lorelai has just said. Lorelai stops taking for a moment; then she sighs.  
  
**LORELAI**  
You're sure this isn't a date?  
  
**RORY**  
Positive.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Well, just… just be careful, alright? Bring a can of pepper spray or something.  
  
Rory smiles. She quickly gets up and hugs Lorelai.  
  
**RORY**  
Thanks, mom.  
  
**LORELAI**  
But if he does something to hurt you, I will grab his ugly little neck and break it.  
  
**RORY**  
It's nice to know I have a very gentle bodyguard. Like, a Care Bear.  
  
The microwave beeps three times and then the kitchen becomes quiet.  


**INT. LUKE'S APARTMENT – NIGHT**  
We start at Luke's quarters. It is neat, clean and organized. We then PAN OVER to Jess' quarters. Everything is scattered about. His CD's are all over his bed and the floor; his books are stuffed everywhere and some lay on the bed, together with the CD's.  
  
We PAN OVER AGAIN towards Luke and Jess, who are in the middle of it all; in the kitchen. Luke is making dinner and Jess is sitting on a chair, reading a book.  
  
**JESS**  
Is dinner ready yet?  
  
**LUKE**  
No.  
  
**JESS**  
Oh.  
  
**LUKE**  
Is the table set yet?  
  
**JESS**  
No.  
  
**LUKE**  
Oh.  
  
An awkward silence develops. Jess suddenly stops reading and turns to Luke casually.  
  
**JESS**  
So, birthday's coming up, huh?  
  
**LUKE**  
What's going on?  
  
**JESS**  
Nothin'.  
  
**LUKE**  
Is Lorelai planning something?  
  
**JESS**  
How should I know? You're the one who talks to her all the time.  
  
**LUKE**  
Then why are you all… all question-y and stuff?  
  
**JESS**  
What? I just asked one! You're the one who's all inquisitive and demanding…  
  
**LUKE**  
So Lorelai isn't up to something?  
  
**JESS**  
I have no idea.  
(beat)  
So, dinner anytime soon?   



	2. A Clipboard, But Not For The Queen

**THE GREAT BIRTHDAY BASH (LUKE HATES LORELAI)**  
By Oregano

**EXT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – NIGHT**  
Jess knocks on the door, and fixes his jacket. The door opens and Lorelai appears. Her face deflates when she sees that it's Jess.  
  
**JESS**  
Ma'am.  
  
Lorelai lets him in. When his back is to her, she scowls.  


**INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – NIGHT**  
Jess reaches the living room and stands beside the couch. Lorelai follows. Rory is still in her room.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Rory! Jess is here!  
  
**RORY** (O.S.)  
Okay!  
  
**JESS**  
Take your time!  
  
**RORY** (O.S.)  
Thanks!  
  
Silence. Lorelai looks down on her shoes while Jess looks around the house. Then Lorelai looks at Jess.  
  
**LORELAI**  
So, where are you taking her tonight?  
  
**JESS**  
Movie.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Yeah, I kind of got that, but what... never mind.  
  
Rory enters.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Thank God you're done.  
  
Rory goes over to Jess. Silence again. The three of them just look at one another. It's awkward as hell.  
  
**RORY**  
Hookay… we'll be going now, mom.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Gah, yeah! Have fun!  
(whispers to Rory)  
Pepper spray.

  
**EXT. THE SIDEWALK – NIGHT**  
Jess and Rory are on their way to the movie. They both have their hand in their pockets. Rory seems nervous, and slightly agitated. Jess just seems bored with the world, as always.  
  
**RORY**  
I'm sorry it was so weird back there.  
  
**JESS**  
I'm used to it.  
(beat)  
So, what are we watching?  
  
**RORY**  
I don't know. I agreed to your terms. You pick the movie.  
  
**JESS**  
Is _About A Boy_ okay? We can see if the Weitz brothers did any justice to Nick Hornby.  
  
**RORY**  
About A Boy sounds great. And given that Nick Hornby was the executive producer, I'd say he was pretty satisfied.  
  
**JESS**  
I can actually see Hornby throwing a tantrum in the middle of shooting, Hugh Grant watching stupidly at the sidelines.

They arrive at the movie house and buy the tickets. As they go in, we PAN UP towards a big poster of About A Boy.  


**INT. MOVIE THEATRE – NIGHT**  
The theatre is dark. There are quite a number of people. In the middle sit Jess and Rory, sharing a huge bag of popcorn. Rory watches attentively at the screen and smiles from time to time.  
  
Jess takes out a handful of popcorn from the big bag. He sneaks a glance at Rory. He turns back to the movie and SMILES to himself slightly. 

  
**EXT. THE SIDEWALK – DAY**  
Lorelai and Rory are on their way to Luke's Diner. Rory is in her Chilton uniform, carrying a backpack.   
  
**LORELAI**  
So, how did it go with What's-his-face?  
  
**RORY**  
We had a pretty good time.  
  
**LORELAI  
**What did you guys see?  
  
**RORY**  
_About A Boy_. It was pretty weird to see Hugh Grant not dorky though.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Yeah, he's always been sort of the dorky-type.

  
**INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
The door jingles and we see that Jess is sitting on a chair that is tipped back with his feet propped up against the table. He is reading. He sees Lorelai and Rory and he quickly stands up.  
  
**RORY**  
People eat on those, you know.  
  
**JESS**  
I'll wipe it clean later.  
(nods to Lorelai)  
Milady.  


**INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
Lorelai, Rory and Jess are sitting down, huddled together. We notice that Lorelai is keeping her distance from Jess.  
  
**RORY**  
So, anything?  
  
**JESS**  
He's suspecting Lorelai's planning something;   
(looks at Lorelai)  
so if I were you, I'd lie low on the cake and balloon quips.  
  
**LORELAI**  
I'll keep that in mind.  
  
**JESS**  
Actually, he's pretty jumpy lately. He screamed when I snuck up on him this morning.  
  
**RORY**  
You sneak up on people?  
  
**JESS**  
I have my reasons.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Where is he now?  
  
**JESS**  
Threatened Kirk with the donut tongs to order a lot of food to keep Luke in the kitchen for a while.  
  
**RORY**  
And he fell for it?  
  
**JESS**  
Kirk can be pretty convincing, when threatened properly.  


**INT. THE INDEPENDENCE INN – DAY**  
Lorelai enters the kitchen and hurries towards Sookie. Sookie sees her and immediately stops cooking. She then suddenly whips out a red clipboard and a pen. Lorelai is startled at Sookie's rapid movement.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Whoa, there, Missy. What is that?  
  
**SOOKIE**  
It's my checklist.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Sookie, honey, this is just a little party for Luke, not the queen.  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Oh, silly! I know! If it were the queen, I'd have put a little feather on my pen. And my clipboard would have been all purple and glittery.  
  
Lorelai gives Sookie an "Are-you-sure-you're-sane?" look. Lorelai shakes her head as if to shake the look lose from her face.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Right. Because the feather is such a regal ornament.  
(beat)  
Anyway, what do we have?  
  
**SOOKIE**  
I've called the balloons, they're going to call me back, I have their address and number, so I can totally stalk them if they don't; I'm making the cake; Lane Kim is calling me back for the deejay position after her Bible Study next week; sixty people confirmed to come--I have their addresses and numbers, too, so stalking is still an option. Is the town square okay for the venue?  
  
**LORELAI**  
I don't know... it's pretty... outside-ish. Wow. All of that is on that little clipboard?  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Yeah! Isn't it great?  
  
**LORELAI**  
I've got to get me one of those…  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Oh, I have a thirty per cent discount from the store!  
  
**LORELAI**  
I was kidding, Sookie.  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Oh.  
(beat)  
I knew that.  
  



	3. A Birthday, But Not A Normal One

**THE GREAT BIRTHDAY BASH (LUKE HATES LORELAI)**  
By Oregano

**INT. LUKE'S DINER - DAY**  
Luke's back is to us. He is placing orders to the kitchen. We hear the door JINGLE.  
  
Lorelai and Rory (in her Chilton uniform) enter. They were the ones who we heard come in. Lorelai slowly walks to the counter.  
  
She waits for a second, then:  
  
**LORELAI**  
Hey, _LUKE_!  
  
**LUKE**  
Ahh!   
(whips around)  
Oh, for Christ's sake, Lorelai!  
  
**LORELAI**  
I'm sorry, Jump-Man.  
  
**LUKE**  
Jump-Man?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Quiet, it's too early for the witty stuff. I need my batteries.  
  
Luke just stares at her, not really understanding.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Batteries.  
(beat)  
Coffee?  
  
**LUKE**  
Oh.  
  
Luke goes and gets a mug and grabs the coffee pot.  
  
**LORELAI**  
You're pretty slow today.  
  
**LUKE**  
Stupid Kirk ordered a motherload of apple pie yesterday; finished all my apples.  
(beat)  
I usually eat one in the morning to wake up. Works better than coffee, you know.  
  
**RORY**  
Nothing works better than coffee.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Yeah, take that back, Luke.  
  
**LUKE**  
Fine, whatever. What horrible breakfast are you monsters devouring today?  
  
We wait in front of the entrance to the apartment. Jess comes down a few seconds later. We follow him towards Lorelai, Rory and Luke.  
  
**JESS**  
(nods)  
Citizens of Stars Hollow.  
  
**RORY**  
Hey Jess.  
(beat)  
Where's your bag?  
  
**JESS**  
(confused)  
For what?  
  
**LORELAI**  
(from behind Rory)  
Need an apple?  
  
**RORY**  
For school.  
  
**JESS**  
I don't know. It's somewhere.  
  
**RORY**  
How are you going to school without your school bag?  
  
**JESS**  
(leans into Rory to whisper)  
Who says I'm going to school?  
  
**RORY**  
You go get your bag, mister.  
  
**JESS**  
What is it with this "Mister" business?  
  
Rory gets off her stool and grabs Jess by the back of the shirt.  
  
**JESS**  
(cont'd)  
I mean, I'm a guy, sure, but I can go with a lot of other names.  
  
Rory drags him up to the apartment.  
  
**JESS**  
(cont'd)  
Like, "Jess." Now there's a nice name…  
  
Lorelai and Luke are left alone. Luke looks a little ill.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Are you okay? You're kind of pale…  
  
**LUKE**  
I just remembered that I've aged a year today.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh, yeah! It's your birthday!  
  
**LUKE**  
Wow, no "Surprise!" thing? No midgets holding balloons that say, "Luke is old!"?  
  
**LORELAI**  
No, I actually had a party planned, but I couldn't get it together.  
  
**LUKE**  
Really?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Yeah, Sookie was supposed to help me, but she exploded from all the excitement. Still holding her red clipboard.  
(beat)  
Hey, Luke?  
  
**LUKE**  
What?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Since it's your birthday and all, would you mind if Rory and I treat you to a very unhealthy birthday meal? It's just you, me and Rory. If you want to bring DarkBoy upstairs, it won't be a problem.  
  
**LUKE**  
(thinks for a moment)  
Sure, Lorelai.  
(beat)  
Thanks.  
  
He turns around to the coffee maker. A slow smile spreads across his face.

**  
****EXT. THE SIDEWALK – NIGHT**  
Luke, Lorelai and Rory are walking side by side.   
  
**RORY**  
Too bad Jess couldn't come.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Yeah, would have brought out the rays of sunshine.  
  
**LUKE**  
So where are you guys taking me? I feel like I've been walking a marathon with you two.  
  
**LORELAI**  
How do you think we burn off all the burgers? We're almost there.  
  
They stop and look up. We PAN UP again to see what they are looking at: CHILLIS.  


**INT. CHILLIS – NIGHT**  
A big group of SERVERS holding tambourines and a small ice-cream cake surround Luke, Lorelai and Rory's table. Lorelai grins excitedly.  
  
**SERVER#1**  
One, two, three, four!  
**   
SERVERS**  
(singing)  
HAPPY BIRTHDAY   
(Birthday!)  
TO YOU!   
(To you!)  
HAPPY BIRTHDAY   
(Birthday!)   
TO YOU!  
(To you!)  
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY; HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOO YOOOUUU!!! Yeah!  
  
The servers place the small ice-cream cake in front of Luke. One of them lights the candle. They all wait eagerly. Luke forces a smile and blows out the tiny flame.  
  
**SERVERS**  
Woohoo! Happy birthday, Luke Danes!  
**   
LUKE**  
Thank you. I think you've said that enough. Now GO AWAY!  
  
The servers are startled and they disperse.  
  
**LUKE**  
I hate you, Lorelai.  
  
**LORELAI**  
You're welcome, my friend.  


**EXT. LUKE'S DINER – NIGHT**  
Luke opens the door to the diner. The three enter.  


**INT. LUKE'S DINER – NIGHT**  
The diner is dim, but we can still see a bit, thanks to the light from the window. Lorelai and Rory are smiling at Luke.  
  
**RORY**  
I'm just going to go talk to Jess for a second, okay? I'm just going to strangle him for my copy of this... book.  
  
Rory runs up to the apartment. Luke and Lorelai are alone once again.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh, come off it. You had fun, you big dork.  
  
**LUKE**  
(gruff)  
I really hate you.  
  
The two of them suddenly become quiet. Luke little by little leans over as if to give Lorelai a kiss. Suddenly…  
  
**EVERYBODY** (O.S.)  
Happy birthday to you…  
  
Through the dimness, a small flame flickers. The lights come on to reveal that almost everybody is inside the diner. It is heavily decorated. Some people are wearing birthday hats. Behind the counter, we see a big banner that says, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUKE!"  
  
Luke squints a little from the brightness. Then he frowns at Lorelai, who is singing "Happy Birthday" as well.  
  
**LUKE**  
I don't hate you. I despise you.  


**INT. LUKE'S DINER - NIGHT (LATER)**  
The party is in full swing. Music is blaring and people are dancing. In one side of the diner, Rory and Jess stand.  
  
**RORY**  
Thank you for doing this, Jess.  
  
**JESS**  
Hey, we had a deal.  
  
Jess is about to say something else, but Rory turns her head before he speaks.  
  
**RORY**  
(walking over to Dean)  
Dean! You made it!  
  
**DEAN**  
Yes I did. Like I'd miss this for the world?  
  
Jess rolls his eyes.   
  
Dean leans down to give Rory a kiss.  
  
We MOVE towards Jess, who is standing not too far away. He looks bored by this, but his face is slightly hurt.  
  
**END.**  
  
  
  



End file.
